| FEATURE ARTICLE |
| SEX WITHOUT LOVE IS NOT GOOD SEX |
| By Marc H. Rudov |
We really didn’t like each other, but our sex was good; that’s why we stayed together so long. Does this dysfunctional comment sound
familiar, perhaps describing one of your relationships? Is it possible to resent your girlfriend or wife outside of bed, yet enjoy her in bed?
Many succumb to this “bad-blood/good-sex” delusion, but, given the general misunderstanding of good sex, that doesn’t surprise me.
There’s an old axiom about women: “crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.” It’s true; believe me. But, crazy and good are not
synonymous. Good sex requires that both partners have healthy attitudes about themselves (which is rare) and that they mutually share
emotional connection, vulnerability, trust, respect, and lust—inside and outside the bedroom (which is rarer). Most foreplay occurs in
regular conversations, with playful teasing, between two people who truly adore and enjoy each other. So, if you struggle to gaze at or talk
to her at breakfast, your sex isn’t good—her screaming and sweating notwithstanding.
Emotional Insulation
We live in a detached, desensitized world, as evidenced by the plethora of voicemails, text messages, IMs, and e-mails dominating
our lives. The art of, like, intelligent conversation has, like, you know, vanished. Moreover, we have become a hostile society, where,
without shame or remorse, people—even kids in elementary school—post embarrassing photos and libelous comments about each other
on the Internet.
It is no wonder, then, that people navigate and survive their relationships using this mantra: Avoid intimate connection at all costs. To
wit: How often have you received an e-mail from—or sent an e-mail to—a paramour addressed to “hey” … or addressed to nobody? To
include the recipient’s name in the greeting is the sender’s way of communicating warmth and intimacy. Not to include it is to
communicate coldness and avoidance, and to insult the receiver. Yet, most people ignore this common courtesy—a sign of our detached,
desensitized times.
Wearing layers of emotional insulation prevents people from knowing or feeling the difference between a true sexual connection and
what occurs between two hissing, screaming cats outside the bedroom window. And, this ignorance is the greatest reason people
callously treat each other like discardable newspapers. It also gives them the power not to feel anything—to shut down, withdraw, cheat,
and split. How convenient and tidy.
Women, we were socialized to believe, are nurturing, emotive, hugging, kissing, cuddling, attentive angels, while men are uncaring,
cold, closed, distant, unaffectionate troglodytes. This is a HUGE lie. Gender doesn’t determine one’s generous nature; upbringing and
attitude do. When I meet a nurturing, emotive woman, I know she is an exception—not the norm.
Most women, especially American women, are raised to be selfish takers. The paucity of women in bars buying drinks for men proves
my point exactly, as does the female-centric emphasis of Valentine’s Day. It is impossible to have good sex with a taker. But, so many
men feel “lucky” to have sex that they’re blind to, or don’t care about, this critical rule of life.
The No Nonsense Bottom Line
Watch a batter approach homeplate at the next baseball game. He’ll execute an autopilot ritual of settling in before facing the pitcher:
big swings with the bat, digging into a comfortable foot position, spitting, and maybe grabbing his crotch. In fact, he performs this
repeatable, predictable ritual regardless of venue, time of day, or opponent.
More likely than not, you are the same way in relationships: Without thinking, you execute a repeatable, predictable mating ritual,
regardless of venue, time of day, or “opponent.” Such patterned behavior will draw you towards mates with similar flaws—especially
selfishness—and then lead you to endure those familiar grooves, ruts, frustrations, resentments, and dynamics. What you may not realize
is that your autopilot behavior will prevent you from establishing a solid emotional connection with any paramour. Bad blood, yes; good
sex, no.
To engage in the self-delusion that loud sex with a lousy partner is tantamount to good sex merely prolongs your agony—and is a
compound error. If your relationship contains bad blood, end the delusion and get a transfusion. Only with a good partner will you
experience good sex.
familiar, perhaps describing one of your relationships? Is it possible to resent your girlfriend or wife outside of bed, yet enjoy her in bed?
Many succumb to this “bad-blood/good-sex” delusion, but, given the general misunderstanding of good sex, that doesn’t surprise me.
There’s an old axiom about women: “crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.” It’s true; believe me. But, crazy and good are not
synonymous. Good sex requires that both partners have healthy attitudes about themselves (which is rare) and that they mutually share
emotional connection, vulnerability, trust, respect, and lust—inside and outside the bedroom (which is rarer). Most foreplay occurs in
regular conversations, with playful teasing, between two people who truly adore and enjoy each other. So, if you struggle to gaze at or talk
to her at breakfast, your sex isn’t good—her screaming and sweating notwithstanding.
Emotional Insulation
We live in a detached, desensitized world, as evidenced by the plethora of voicemails, text messages, IMs, and e-mails dominating
our lives. The art of, like, intelligent conversation has, like, you know, vanished. Moreover, we have become a hostile society, where,
without shame or remorse, people—even kids in elementary school—post embarrassing photos and libelous comments about each other
on the Internet.
It is no wonder, then, that people navigate and survive their relationships using this mantra: Avoid intimate connection at all costs. To
wit: How often have you received an e-mail from—or sent an e-mail to—a paramour addressed to “hey” … or addressed to nobody? To
include the recipient’s name in the greeting is the sender’s way of communicating warmth and intimacy. Not to include it is to
communicate coldness and avoidance, and to insult the receiver. Yet, most people ignore this common courtesy—a sign of our detached,
desensitized times.
Wearing layers of emotional insulation prevents people from knowing or feeling the difference between a true sexual connection and
what occurs between two hissing, screaming cats outside the bedroom window. And, this ignorance is the greatest reason people
callously treat each other like discardable newspapers. It also gives them the power not to feel anything—to shut down, withdraw, cheat,
and split. How convenient and tidy.
Women, we were socialized to believe, are nurturing, emotive, hugging, kissing, cuddling, attentive angels, while men are uncaring,
cold, closed, distant, unaffectionate troglodytes. This is a HUGE lie. Gender doesn’t determine one’s generous nature; upbringing and
attitude do. When I meet a nurturing, emotive woman, I know she is an exception—not the norm.
Most women, especially American women, are raised to be selfish takers. The paucity of women in bars buying drinks for men proves
my point exactly, as does the female-centric emphasis of Valentine’s Day. It is impossible to have good sex with a taker. But, so many
men feel “lucky” to have sex that they’re blind to, or don’t care about, this critical rule of life.
The No Nonsense Bottom Line
Watch a batter approach homeplate at the next baseball game. He’ll execute an autopilot ritual of settling in before facing the pitcher:
big swings with the bat, digging into a comfortable foot position, spitting, and maybe grabbing his crotch. In fact, he performs this
repeatable, predictable ritual regardless of venue, time of day, or opponent.
More likely than not, you are the same way in relationships: Without thinking, you execute a repeatable, predictable mating ritual,
regardless of venue, time of day, or “opponent.” Such patterned behavior will draw you towards mates with similar flaws—especially
selfishness—and then lead you to endure those familiar grooves, ruts, frustrations, resentments, and dynamics. What you may not realize
is that your autopilot behavior will prevent you from establishing a solid emotional connection with any paramour. Bad blood, yes; good
sex, no.
To engage in the self-delusion that loud sex with a lousy partner is tantamount to good sex merely prolongs your agony—and is a
compound error. If your relationship contains bad blood, end the delusion and get a transfusion. Only with a good partner will you
experience good sex.